Last month I attended the Columbia Coaching Conference where I heard top-class keynote speakers and participated in inspiring workshops.

The first keynote speaker was Judith E. Glaser who shared her experience and knowledge on what she calls “Conversational Intelligence”.

What is “Conversational Intelligence”?

Conversational Intelligence (= C-IQ) is the capability to create a psychologically safe environment to enable people to co-create together.

Instead of collaborating, Ms Glaser prefers to use the word co-creating which includes a deeper mutual understanding. Thanks to this discovery the conversation’s outcome can be unexpected and much more powerful than the initial ideas of the people involved. It’s the typical situation where the outcome is superior to the sum of the individuals attending the meeting.

Some chemistry

As you may know, our body, our thoughts and our feelings are the result of millions of chemical reactions.

Our Neo Pre Frontal Cortex, the most recent part of our brain in evolutionary terms, is where the most advanced cognitive functions take place. Thanks to this activity the body produces chemical reactions which in turn produce a hormone called oxytocin.

Oxytocin can increase positive attitudes, such as bonding, the capability to have an authentic and transparent relationship with others.

In order to support the correct function of our cognitive abilities, we need a safe environment, where we feel valued and appreciated. 

In contrast, Cortisol is secreted by the lower section of our brain when we don’t feel safe. It produces defense reactions such as Fight, Flight, Freeze.

In order to understand the importance of our chemistry, I invite you to consider the following chart.

As you see, we formulate very quickly an idea about a person or a situation (is it safe or not?) !

We consist of energy fields and, with our attitude (do we look someone in the eye? Does our posture invite others to talk to us or are we in a defensive mode? Etc.), we wordlessly influence the other individual’s reaction.

Since the beginning of life, our need for physical and psychological safety has been so important for our survival that we are crafted to detect danger well before we know that we are in danger. Our body perceives it before our cognitive brain. Therefore, if we feel that the other person is not favorably disposed towards us, we retreat into silence and are not inclined to open up with him/her.

As you can see from the very short time lapses in the table, we detect very small signals in less than a second, we feel the energy field of other individuals and we mirror their feelings and behaviors.

How can we develop our C-IQ?

The first step to develop our C-IQ is to pass from a “I” pattern to a “WE” pattern. The “WE” pattern bolsters co-creation and a genuine relationship with others.

The key-behaviors to start a “We-trusted” conversation are the following:

• Look in the eyes of the other person
• Be open to influence
• Include the ideas of others
• Practice  trust
• Ask questions for which you have no answer
• Listen in order to connect, not to judge
• Sustain conversational agility, refocus, reframe, redirect
• Double click: go deeper into the conversation, ask questions for this purpose

Thanks to language, you can activate a positive chemistry in your own brain and body and, therefore in others. The truth about our brain’s evolution is that we are designed to « create a space » apt for the growth of aspirations and dreams through conversation.

The neurochemistry of aspirations is all about the way different conversations activate chemicals and networks that either open or close the space necessary for the growth of aspirations.

I also invite you to become aware of the 3 levels of conversation in order to create an open space:

Level 1: Transactional - tell/ask - confirm what we know

Level 2: Positional - advocate/inquire - defend what we know

Level 3: Transformational - share/discover- discover what we know

Becoming more aware of our inner energy

Since the reaction of others towards us is almost instantaneous, it becomes primordial to increase the awareness of our energy and our moods.

Before meeting an individual we need to trust and to be trusted by, I invite you to follow this simple and effective check list:

• Think about something positive that happened to you recently and feel the joy of that moment
• Be aware that you are an important person and that you have the power to influence others positively
• Look at the other person as someone who is important for you and show consideration
• Create an inner space in yourself in order to welcome without judgement other people’s ideas
• Build on their ideas by asking questions
• Appreciate yourself and others

If these suggestions may seem childish to you, I invite to think about the impression you want to make in the .07seconds you have to convince someone that you are a trustworthy person. You can only relay your positive attitude, so you’d better start practicing right now!

Photo: artwork by Katja Loher